Catching the Thanksgiving Turkey, Grandma Moses, 1943
Happy Thanksgiving!
Growing up, I have always been a tad skeptical of traditions. Early on, I debunked the tooth fairy and stayed up all night to catch Santa Claus. Formal dinners, gift exchanges, spotlights on dead people all seemed quite arbitrary and random and interfered with my playtime.
I’m one of the few people I know who doesn’t celebrate their birthday. A holiday in your name? Isn’t it a bit self-inflating? Oh please. And what’s the big deal? You are exactly who you were yesterday. A number has changed but a person has remained the same.
Every year I’d beg my parents not to get me anything (save your dollars, Mom), but they usually ignored me. Nor did I mention my birthday to my friends or classmates. I found the whole send-“Happy Birthday”-message-on-Facebook ritual shallow and pointless. To me, birthdays were “any other day”.
Although I treated my birthday with normalcy, I noticed other people did not do the same. My classmates, especially in college, threw “surprise birthday parties”. Or they went out and had drinks. 21 was supposedly a big deal. I had no desire to participate, due to my aforementioned views. A birthday is a day of elation for people under 21 and a terrible reminder for people over 29.
Like other schoolkids, the degree to which I cared about a holiday was in proportion to the number of days we had off. Labor Day was a welcome sight (1 day off). Columbus Day was lame (0 days off). Thanksgiving and Christmas were heavenly godsends.
As a young and naïve kid, it’s easy to brush aside traditions. You see vacations, not historical significance. You see chores, not celebrations.
My parents immigrated to the US in the 90s. They brought with them a different calendar, different religion, and a different set of holidays — Mid-Autumn Festival, Duan Wu Jie.
My parents did their best to celebrate both. I remember trick-or-treating with my siblings and receiving gifts on Christmas, and eating mooncakes and Zongzi when appropriate. But sometimes there’d be an odd mix. For example, on Thanksgiving, instead of turkey, we’d have duck. This half-half-ness, I suspect, is relatable for many immigrant families. Plus, I’ve always considered myself more American than Chinese, whereas my parents were the opposite.
To participate in a culture means to adopt a set of beliefs. Trading your individuality is a prerequisite. Of course, it is possible to live outside a society where you can toss aside traditions altogether. But that comes at a cost since culture provides stability and shared values.
In Game of Thrones, royal celebrations were compulsory. To disregard them would be to fail at your “duty”. In my household, nothing was held with so much reverence that it couldn’t be changed. At least, I didn’t get that sense.
The more I study history, the more I see the effects of tradition on generations past. Churches, temples, and relics tell us a way of life. So do schools, art, and places of worship. Every country, every culture, every geography — has its own food, clothing, and dance. They may differ from yours and mine but are no less wonderful. And they form the fabric of society. They bring people together and create a space where two strangers become two friends. In this regard, I have become more empathetic.
When it’s my turn to have a family, I’ll have to decide which traditions to celebrate. Since I was born in the US, I’ll probably stick with American / global holidays. But I’ll leave three doors open. The first is geography. Where I am will influence what I celebrate. The second is my partner. I want to be respectful of her culture. The third is if I choose to adopt a formal religion later in life.
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, share one thing you’re grateful for. I look forward to hearing your responses :-)
Thanks for reading!
My son doesn't like to celebrate his birthday. That's sad for me because I want to celebrate him. As an older mom, I wondered if I would be able to have kids. My three kids add so much joy to my life. Sometimes allowing others to celebrate you is a gift to them. In Europe, the birthday person cooks the meal and invites friends over to be together. Maybe make your birthday a time to celebrate your parents and all they have done for you. It's a hard job and parents work hard to do what they feel is best for their kids. As parents we aren't always right... but we sure are trying!!!!
As a third culture kid and immigrant parent, I celebrate multiple holidays. Some give me the opportunity to share traditions from our ancestors. Others allow us to assimilate and understand new cultures as the explorers that we are.
This is a great essay, Leo. Thank you for being a great addition to my circle this year, and celebrating that this Thanksgiving.